Money for Nothing
by JillianUnleashed
Summary: Hermione should have known there is no such thing as a free lunch and that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. When she agrees to help a friend out, she learns that “money for nothing” is a myth. This is a long oneshot.


I don't own anything but the plot nor do I make money off of this either. JKR owns it all and she's one lucky gal, if a bit delusional if the end of book 7 is used as evidence.

***

The pounding on the door awoke the woman sleeping fitfully on the lounge. When the tapping advanced to the banging stage, the woman pulled herself off the lumpy old sofa with an erratic jerk and waded through the sea of used Kleenex to the door. Not bothering to use the spy hole, she yanked the door open.

The person on the other side appeared baffled at the high pitched "What?" shouted at him.

"See if I drop by to check on a friend again" the man muttered while making his way into the shabby flat.

"You know Granger, you could bother to clean. As much as I tell you that you live in a dump, you know I never mean it literally, well not until now" the man said with a sneer while shooing tissues away from his person with his wand.

Hermione sighed as she plopped down on the ugly lounge "What do you want this time, Malfoy?"

"Why do I have to want something to visit a friend?" Malfoy finished with a mock look of innocence. Someone who didn't know him better might have believed the innocent look if it weren't for the slight tilt to his lips hinting at a sneer.

With a deep sigh, "Out with it, I feel like hammered shit, my cough syrup wore off and what is that smell?"

"What do you mean what is that smell? You can't smell anything beyond that vapor rub you insist on slathering on" A very offended Draco Malfoy ground out.

"Look Malfoy, I may be sick and only have use of my right nostril, but I'm telling you, you smell, and not in the 'I'm a sexy beast' sort of way, but the 'I need to bathe' way, so hurry it up, or be prepared to meet my lunch" Hermione finished with a dignified stomp of her foot.

Before Malfoy could respond, someone in the flat below hit the floor with shouts of "No stomping!" accompanying the suspicious thumping.

"Why do you live here again?"

"We can't all be rich, Draco."

"Yes, but even poor people have standards. I swear I saw a crank whore turn her nose up at this flat."

"Crack whore, Draco"

"What?"

"Never mind, what do you want?"

"I need a favor"

"Go ask Zabini" Hermione replied with a very Malfoy sneer.

"You know, upon further consideration, we really do spend way too much time together. It looks like some of those red headed gits were right after all. Damnit I really hate to lose to a Weasle."

"Malfoy, in the name of Merlin, get to the point or I'm forcing you start Ritalin."

"Rital-what?"

Malfoy-like smirk in place, Hermione said: "It'll force you to get to the point but make Malfoy Jr. wimpy for an extended period of time, so hurry up."

With a look of utter horror Draco jumped up and retreated to an armchair located several feet away.

"Tricia wants to 'take it to the next step'" he said.

After a quickly smothered giggle, Hermione responded: "How is that a bad thing? And what do you want me to do about it?"

"She's crazy, she's obsessive, she's a gold-digger and did I mention she's crazy?" Draco ticked his finer-points off on his fingers.

"Then stop dating her…."

"You know I can't. My parents picked her out. I have to stick with her until she messes up."

"Okay Malfoy, I bite, what do you need from me?"

"I need you to move in too, to protect me and to help me get rid of her."

Hermione sat in silence for a few moments, mouth open as if to catch flies.

"What?"

"I want you to move in, pretend to date Zabini, help me set the crazy bint up, and protect me from said bint." Draco finished with a grin that clearly meant, "Aren't I so smart, I thought of it all on my own!"

"Did you hit your head this morning?" Hermione got up to pat Draco's overly-gelled head "Hold on a sec, I'll call that wanker Zabini to come get you. I don't think you should apparate or floo by yourself and the Knight Bus will only make it worse."

Draco grabbed Hermione before she could follow through and had to magically stun her and bind her to the lounge. "I'm keeping you there until you see reason. I don't have a head injury" he said with a sneer "I'm brilliant."

"What do I get if I do this?"

Draco took a second to look around the dump Hermione called home ad said "I'll give you a cottage and have it decorated."

Hermione herself looked around her dump..er flat… said the only thing possible "Deal."

****

"God damn it Zabini, if you touch my stuff one more time I will reach up your…" Draco quickly cast a silencing charm and smiled at his mother.

"Tea?" he questioned.

"Draco, I thought they were in love?" Narcissa said with a particular look on her face.

"They are mother. They just fight for the making up."

Draco ignored the green tint to his father's face and handed him the biscuit plate.

"I still don't understand why Tricia had to move in with you here? We own several homes that would be fit for you both to live in. Don't you want privacy?" Dam his mother was a nosey-parker.

Before Draco could think up a good reply, his father cut in "Leave the boy alone, Cissa. Just be glad he's no longer behaving like a Knockturn Alley prostitute and has settled down."

The last was said as Draco took a sip of tea. Unfortunately, the timing was off and Lucius ended up wearing the lavender flavored brew preferred by his wife.

Suddenly, a large bang noise was heard from the direction of Blaise and Hermione's room followed by the curly-haired witch storming from the room, suitcase in hand, aiming for the front door.

The Malfoy's watched, unable to look away, as Zabini charged out of the bedroom, picked the girl up, tossed her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and then proceeded to spank her while shouting in Italian.

"I wish I'd learned Italian instead of French" Narcissa said with a wistful sigh.

At the look from both Malfoy men she replied with, "What? They must have hot animal sex if that display was any indication."

Draco wore his father's tea this time.

"Well son, I think it's time we took our leave. Next time, visit us." Lucius stated. It wasn't a request.

"You know Lucius, if I packed a suitcase, would you chase after me like that?" Narcissa inquired.

Lucius' only response was to say a hasty goodbye to his son, grab his wife's hand and disapperate with a pop.

"The stork brought me, the stork brought me, the stork brought me" Draco repeated to himself over and over again.

"Granger said you had a head injury, but I didn't believe her" Zabini said from behind Draco.

"You didn't kill her did you?"

With a wicked smirk, Zabini said "Not yet" and exited the flat whistling a jaunty tune.

****

"That bitch needs to die"

"That's not a nice way to talk about you mother, Zabini" Hermione stated.

"That's not even worth a response" he said.

Making an indelicate snort "You're just saying that because it was a good crack and you don't have a good comeback. In fact, you've put it away for later use" Hermione responded.

How Hermione knew Zabini planned to utter it to the next Weasley he ran into was beyond him. The red-headed clan of freaks had it in for him ever since Granger had moved in with him. They seemed to think that she was sweet, innocent, in need of protection, and too good for him. Zabini liked to think that they were talking about two very different people.

"Sweet, innocent, and in need of protection" does not describe the woman who took great glee in meeting him at his office for lunch and loudly declaring that she naked under her coat and the main course. Given her battle reputation, none of the witches in the secretarial pool would go near him now that Granger staked a claim. It didn't help that the Edgecombe woman still bore the mark of Granger's wrath.

"For a Slytherin, Draco is terrible at getting rid of an unwanted acquaintance. We need to help it along. I can't stand Tricia."

Hermione knew the woman was god awful, but she didn't think that Zabini would have anything to complain about. "What's she done to you?"

"Besides move in and stalk my best friend?"

"Well, that aside"

"She read my mail, then 'misplaced' some important documents that were secured in my desk."

"Ouch. You let her live?"

"We don't all kill people who touch our stuff."

At Hermione's raised eyebrow Zabini amended "Well, we don't kill obviously them. You can't have capital crimes traced back to you."

"Speak for yourself. I find that one example serves as adequate warning for other morons from messing with me."

"That's the only reason you weren't placed in Slytherin…well maybe the second reason."

"Anyway, I performed a trace on Tricia last week. I was going to wait until tomorrow at her weekly spa appointment to go over it with Draco, but you can check it now if you want." She offered the perturbed Slytherin.

"What about her records?" he asked.

"Already on it, I had Harry pull them for me and Fred and George are filling a special order right now. It should be here just in time for group date night."

"You're sexy when you're evil." Zabini smirked, "But why involve Potter and the Terror Twins?"

"Harry is my best friend and thus, will so favors without asking and Fred and George owe me. Lots" Hermione said while looking off into the distance and smiling in a particularly evil way.

"Someday I am going to ask you about that, but I don't think my heart can take it right now."

"So, you've got the Tricia situation under wraps?"

Looking up from her book "Zabini, I'll let you know when we need you. Go do something away from here."

Instead of leaving, Zabini sat on the bed criss cross style, placed his elbows on his thigs and his face in his hands and stared at the witch. "One…two…three…four…five…that did it" he thought to himself.

"What?"

"Wanna get naked and fool around?"

"Do you have a head injury too?"

Huffing "No, You cock blocked me and I haven't gone this long without sex since I was a lad. You. Owe. Me." Each word was punctured with a point of his finger.

Hermione slowly put her book down on the bedside table, rose to her knees and crawled to him from across the bed.

Zabini took a deep breath at the sexy image she made and then quickly held it again as she leaned forward into him with a sultry smile. She placed her hands on his shoulders, pushed him onto his back and mounted him. After moving her mouth next to his right ear, she blew into his ear with a gentle hiss. Then she nipped his earlobe, and slowly licked his neck in one long swoop.

At Zabini's feral growl she said, "I'd have to be the horniest or most desperate woman alive to ride the 'broom' already sampled by every subscriber to witch weekley." She then hopped off Zabini, 'accioed' her book and left the room.

****

"Sit still, you look fine" Malfoy muttered.

"You didn't say that I'd have to dress like a whore" Hermione said with another tug at her dress.

"What part of being Zabini's girlfriend did you miss?" Malfoy shot back "Now be quiet, they're coming."

Several people approached the reserved room at the high-class, read pureblood only, restaurant, located at the elite end of Diagon Alley.

"Darling, how you must have missed me" Tricia shrieked with a sneer at Hermione "it's hard to lack good company." Tricia then tossed her head in Hermione's direction as if everyone didn't get her insult the first time.

After a glare from Draco Tricia looked at Hermione with a fake smile and said, "Oh sorry, no offense, Hermione" in a sickly sweet voice.

Hermione smiled just as sweetly at Tricia as if no insult had been uttered and said "Oh, none taken Tricia. I know you aren't capable of a real insult. You just don't have the brain, I mean the malaice in you" and then took a sip of her overpriced cocktail.

"Speaking of good company, has anyone seen Blaise around?" Hermione changed the subject with ease before Tricia could respond to the insult.

Draco on the other hand was openly laughing at the look on Tricia's face.

"Zabini's on his way. He said he had to pick something up from the Weasley's shop" the gruff voice belonging to one Marcus Flint stated.

After a few minutes spent on greetings and conversation, everyone else steeled around the table and prepared for a lively night out. Few of the people present knew of Draco's plan and Hermione's faux relationship with Zabini, so the night promised high entertainment.

Hermione was on her third cocktail when Zabini strolled in, grabbed her by the arm and kissed her in a way that the other occupants of the table could only describe as "mouth fucking."

"I missed you" Zabini purred while reaching around Hermione's back and firmly grabbing her ass. "You look good enough to eat. You know I love it when you get all tarted up for me. Later tonight, we're going to rock that Slytherin school girl uniform we stole from Pansy after that time in her hall closet."

Blaise ignored the looks of shock and lust from his mates, sat, pulled Hermione into his lap and proceeded to eat her dinner and feed her bits alternately. She deserved some comeuppance after the other day.

It was a beautiful plan really. She couldn't get off his lap without making a scence, well one that went against her purposes. For good measure, Zabini ground his erection into her arse, rubbed his free hand up her thigh and laughed at a baudy joke Pucey finished telling.

The only flaw in Zabini's plan was him conveniently forgetting that a) they wouldn't be in public all night b) she shared his bed and c) Hermione Granger is evil. "Zabini was going to lose his life before the end of the night." Hermione silently seethed.

****

The display put on by Zabini and Granger was so captivating, no one noticed Draco slip something into his girlfriend's drink. If all went to plan, by the end of the night, Malfoy would have enough evidence to get rid of her for good.

Her personal records were a bit shady, the trace was only suspect in a minor way and her bank accounts were completely bare. All in all, the girl had something big to hide. This surprised Draco as his father was usually quite thorough when it came to gold diggers or the possibility thereof.

The empty vaults alone weren't so bad, but she had some shady meetings to her name. They wouldn't hold up in court, as the trace charm Hermione used was suspect magic, but it was good enough for Draco's purposes. Moreover, the ministry records showed that she lied about her middle name, age and both OWL and NEWTS scores. Alone, they are silly things that people usually lie about, but added to the other lies and things just didn't add up.

Draco didn't want to wait for her to play her game and he didn't want to buy her off. After some thought Hermione came up with the idea to slip her with a little-known and almost impossible to trace potion to in duce lust in two people. The potion was meant for "older" people who had lost that special "zing." Catching Tricia in a compromising position with another man would be enouh to be rid of her. Malfoys might not be known for honor, but when one is in a committed relationship, one is committed.

At first, Hermione wanted Tricia to get caught with Zabini, making it easier for her to end her part in the farce. However, at the last second, Zabini refused to be the "other man" and they had to go to plan B. Plan B consisted of using Theodore Nott. The git always got on Draco's nerves because they'd competed for the title of Slytherin Prince. If Draco dated a girl and dumped her, Nott had her too. Nott was usually jealous in that Draco stole his girl a time or two, but Nott had never returned the favor.

Allowing Nott to get one over on Draco meant that Nott was in a prime position to take Tricia up on the potion induced offer. Because of Nott's pride, he'd never admit that he didn't want Tricia once he was stuck with her. Draco would secretly have one over on Nott once Nott found out just what he'd "stolen" from Draco, Draco would be done with Tricia and he'd be able to declare independence from his parents all in one go. Also, if things were going to end how he thought with Zabini and Granger, he'd get out of giving her that cottage. Draco was on top of the world.

The ladies rose en mass to visit the loo and Draco and Zabini took the opportunity presented to them. Zabini had dosed Nott earlier. The potion was keyed to the individuals drinking it. Draco didn't want to know how Hermione had gotten the needed personal ingredients, but he was glad she was obnoxiously thorough.

When the ladies came back to the table, Tricia was missing, at the exact same time that Nott had excused himself to also visit the facilities. Things just kept getting better. After several minutes a commotion was heard towards the back of the restaurant. This wasn't the type of restaurant for scenes, so every head turned. Rita Skeeter appeared out of nowhere and cackled with glee at what she appeared to have found.

Before any of the staff could get to her, she made her way over to the table and started to fire off questions about his girlfriend and her affair with Nott. Draco schooled his facial features to that of surprise, shock, anger and then sadness. It was hard to keep the smirk off his face.

Draco should have known better than celebrating before the end of the game.

****

The next morning at Draco and Blaise's flat was interesting to say the least. Two headliners, with pictures, battled it out for attention on the front page of the Prophet.

"You hair looked good" Zabini offered Granger as a way to peace.

Draco shook his head at Zabini and said "You didn't look like a whore, Hermione. You looked like a lady. Skeeter doesn't know what she's talking about"

Hermione's only response was to bang her head repeatedly on the table and then to mutter something.

"You know, I'm sure that's a language spoken somewhere, but not here. Sit up and enunciate like your tongue is still attached to your mouth" Draco replied.

"I said" Hermione looked up with a glare "I hate that miserable bitch. You owe me."

"You're the one she had the vendetta against" Zabini reminded her.

Apparently, this was not the time to bring that up as Hermione's fist twitched suspiciously.

Everything was going to plan until Hermione became gravity challenged and ended up face first in Zabini's lap. Witht euproar caused by the Skeeter rampage, Hermione was unable to regain her footing in a timely fashion.

To be fair, it really did look like she was going down on him in public, especially after their previous performance.

Skeeter's photographer took many pictures and got a few quotes before being thrown out.

The damage was done. Hermione and labeled a scarlet woman, no better than a two bit whore, on the front page right below Tricia, another two bit whore. Malfoy and Zabini were exonerated as good men done wrong by the women who seek to control them using sex for money.

"We can kill her, even in public if you want, Granger" Zabini offered with a worried glance.

Draco excused himself to go deal with his parents while Zabini thought of ways to control the damage. However, he realized that it was too little too late when his mother appeared in his sitting room.

"Blaise darling, where is she? I want to meet the girl that will become my future daughter-in-law."

Shit.

"Mother?"

"Who else would I be?" The haughty woman said with a raised eyebrow. "I warned you what would happen if you were not careful. I expect you to tidy this up and fast." With that, the woman rose from the lounge and left via floo.

"Is she serious?" Hermione inquired from the door.

"She's never anything but. She's wanted a daughter-in-law and some grandkids ever since the Greengrass girls got married and popped a few kids out. She and Narcissa have been scheming together. They must have told her that I was living with you. I have a feeling that this would have been the end result no matter what happened last night."

"But we hate each other" Hermione stated.

With a thoughtful look, Blaise said "I don't hate you, so there's no problem there. You grew on me, like athlete's foot."

Before Hermione could respond, he once again picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder and marched into his room.

****

Hermione found herself ties to Blaise's large bed with a smirking Slytherin over her. Every incantation she tried failed to set her free.

"I had a nice chat with those twins of yours. They told me a lovely little story about product testing. It seems they're well aware of your lack of innocence, but they did say you're quite sweet."

Blaise then slowly started to remove his clothing while watching the look in her eyes. "You've been teasing me since day one. It's time you paid you debt."

A very sexy very naked Zabini proceeded to undress one Hermione granger who was still tied to his bed.

Their first kiss was downright explosive. "We fight so much, I knew it'd be like this" Zabini growled before kissing his way down her neck to her breasts. He laved each nipple while alternately twisting the bud not in his mouth.

"I love how you moan, Cara. Scream for me and I'll give you more." Hermione started to struggle against her bonds as Blaise's hand moved down to her secret spot.

"You're so wet. You've been wet since last night haven't you? You loved riding my cock in front of all those men who wanted you, but couldn't have you, didn't you."

With a voice full of apology he said "next time we'll go slowly and make love, right now, I'm going to take you hard and fast and make you mine. You've teased me over the edge."

Zabini thrust into her in one hard push that slammed the bed into the wall. Hermione let out a wild scream and redoubled her efforts to get free "Zabini, let me out now or I swear to Merlin you won't be able to fuck again!" After a second's pause, Zabini whispered the password and let Hermione free.

Hermione responded by flipping him onto his back and riding him with all she had. Just the sight of her perfect breasts bouncing up and down, her wild hair flowing around her and the sound of their bodies mating in a primal way was enough to force them headlong into completing.

****

"Are you sure we can't just go to the ministry and elope?" Hermione complained.

"Do you have a head injury? My mother's already got a massive event planned. After a reasonably long engagement, we'll just need to show up, sit through hours of formal fluff, pretend to like people we hate, and then run off into the sunset to practice making more Zabini's."

Hermione rolled over in bed and looked at him with her eyebrows raised questioningly.

"You're right. I hate big events and long engagements. Let's find Malfoy's pale ass and go get hitched. He owes us."

"I'm glad to know that you can compromise after all"

"You mean do what you want."

"Compromise, follow orders…is there a difference?"

"By the way, what did Malfoy offer to give you?"

"A house, and he'd better pay up or I'd hate to use all of the things I dug up on him while living here."

"I love you"

"You'd better, because things weren't looking so tidy in your files either."

The End


End file.
